


Ace of Hearts

by Destielilly



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Castiel, Asexuality, Coming Out, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2014-04-24
Packaged: 2018-01-20 16:27:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1517324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destielilly/pseuds/Destielilly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is different. He’s known that for years and he has accepted that no one will ever want to be with him. Then Dean Winchester happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ace of Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually supposed to be writing a completely different fic rn, but instead I keep procrastinating and I start a ton of other fics and ugh I hate myself...  
> Anyway, this fic happened because I need more asexual!Castiel in my life (or more asexual characters in general). It was also a bit of therapy for me because I recently came out to someone as asexual and they gave me a lot of shit for it so I wrote this to cheer me up^^

Castiel is different. It’s a fact and no matter how much he sometimes wishes he could do something about it, he knows he can’t.

He had just started high school when he came across the term 'asexuality' while doing research for an essay. At first he had been happy to finally put a name to what he was feeling – or rather not feeling.

Shortly after that came anger, worry, desperation. Anger at himself for being different, worry because he wasn’t sure how other people would react, and desperation because he realized he probably would never find someone who wanted to be with him. Sex was just a too important part in the lives of other people and if he couldn’t offer that, then who would bother putting up with him?

It took Castiel a long time to accept himself. High school was hell and Castiel shudders at the memories.

He was always a bit shy and awkward which in itself made him a great target for bullies. Unfortunately the fact that he never showed interest in someone – much less actually dated someone – quickly led to people thinking he was either gay or a total prude. Both of these assumptions just fueled the bullies’ hate.

As if school hadn’t been bad enough there was also his family. Looking back, Castiel doesn’t know why he decided to come out to them. He should have expected their laughter and the comments about how he just needs to find the right person and that he’s a freak for not wanting sex.

The only silver lining in this whole mess were his brother Gabriel and his sister Anna. They supported him and always offered a shoulder to cry on when Castiel felt like the whole world was against him.

Anna and Gabriel are going to be the only people from his old life he’ll actually miss. Castiel is going to college, and even though it means leaving his favorite siblings behind, he couldn’t be happier about it.

It’s a chance for a new start, he doesn’t know if he can manage to be any less awkward than he used to be at school, but he knows that he’s not going to come out to anyone. Maybe he’ll lie about having a girlfriend who’s studying abroad or something, but he’s not going to make a target out of himself by being the eternal single.

When Castiel arrives at the dorm he’s going to stay in, his new roommate is already there. Castiel’s view of their room is suddenly obscured by a freckled face with bright green eyes and a huge grin.

“Hey there, you must be the guy who has the honor of sharing a room with me. I’m Dean.”

Castiel stares at the other boy for a moment before shaking his hand.

“Uhm, yes. That would be me. I’m Castiel, nice to meet you.”

Dean’s grin doesn’t falter when he steps aside to let Castiel in.

“Castiel? No offense man, but do you mind if I just call you Cas? I think I’d get a knot into my tongue otherwise.”

“Cas is perfectly fine, as long as you don’t call me Cassie we’re good.”

Now that he is actually inside Castiel has to admit the place is nice. There’s a small kitchen in one corner, a sofa in the middle of the room, facing the TV with a DVD player and Xbox attached on the left side of the room.

Dean points to the three doors leading away from the main room.

“My room is the one on the left, middle is the bathroom and your bedroom is on the right. You can drop your stuff there and then we could go explore the campus if you’d like?”

Castiel nods, he was planning to check out the area anyway and if he could get to know his roommate a bit better while doing it that’s just a bonus.

They spend the next two hours wandering around, looking at the library, office buildings and the places that offer food. There’s even a cinema on campus.

Castiel learns a lot about Dean, like the fact that he has a little brother named Sam whom he loves very much and that his father and uncle own a garage, which is the reason Dean is interested in cars and studies Mechanical Engineering.

It’s a nice afternoon, and after they grab some burgers at one of the diners, they go back to their room where Dean flops down on the couch.

“Well, that was pretty awesome. How would you feel about watching a movie? After what I’ve seen today I’m gonna have a lot of work to do if I want to get you caught up on everything pop culture related.”

It’s true, during the day Dean has made several references to what Castiel presumes must be movies or TV shows, but Castiel didn’t get any of them. Things like that weren’t considered worth their time by most members of Castiel’s family, Anna and Gabriel being the exceptions.

“I think that would be nice. What do you suggest?”

Dean looks thoughtful for a moment and then he gets up and walks to his room before coming back out with a stack of DVD boxes in his arms.

“Well, it’s been a long day, so I’m afraid I’m not really up for a Lord of the Rings marathon, but maybe we could start with Jurassic Park? Only the first one, personally, I don’t think the others are that good. Don’t tell anyone I said that though.”

An hour later they’re both sitting on the sofa, engrossed in the events on screen. Dean occasionally explains a few things, giving trivia and making sure Castiel understands what’s happening and Castiel has to admit that while some things are very unrealistic he still enjoys the movie and is almost disappointed when it ends.

“So. What do you think?”

“I liked it. I doubt you could extract dinosaur DNA from a mosquito like that, but I guess realism isn’t the most important part of the movie.”

Dean throws his head back and laughs. “No it’s really not. I’m glad you liked it though and we’re so doing that again. I’ll make a list of movies you absolutely have to see and I hope we can get through some of them before the semester starts.”

Castiel agrees, he is looking forward to doing this again, not only because he genuinely liked the movie but also because he very much enjoyed watching it with Dean. Interacting normally with others has always been somewhat of a problem for Castiel, but it’s surprisingly easy to talk to Dean and he likes to think that they’re already friends.

*

They actually do manage to go through a lot of movies before the first week of the semester. Castiel loves nearly all of them, though it quickly becomes clear that he’s not a friend of horror movies. Also anything with too many sex scenes will make him uncomfortable, but that is mostly just because it reminds him of what he hides from Dean, and because he fears that the topic of sex and relationships will come up. So far that didn’t happen and he’s grateful for it.

In addition to the movies Dean also teaches him about TV shows by making him binge-watch entire seasons on his Netflix account. Then there’s also the music Dean likes to listen to, and although it’s not exactly Castiel’s cup of tea he still loves how enthusiastic Dean is about the topic.

In between all of that they even manage to go to the cinema once or twice and test a few videogames. They grow closer and closer as the start of the semester draws near, neither of them talk to other people because according to Dean, they’d have more than enough opportunities to make other friends once their lectures start.

All in all Castiel has more fun than he ever remembers having and if he sometimes catches himself looking at Dean and feeling a strange sensation in his stomach then no one needs to know.

To Castiel’s great surprise he actually manages to make friends. Chuck is a short and perpetually nervous looking guy who seemed just as awkward as Castiel, so they managed to bond quickly over their shared interest for theology and the novel Chuck is writing.

A much bigger surprise was Ruby, a what most people would probably consider very hot brunette from one of his biology classes. She’s extroverted, flirtatious and practically the complete opposite of Castiel. Despite that they got talking (after she assured him she was a lesbian and didn’t want to bang him) and ended up in a coffee shop discussing _art_ of all things. Apparently it was an interest they both shared and so they spent almost two hours talking about the genius that was van Gogh and the ridiculousness of some contemporary art.

Castiel also still spends a lot of time with Dean when their schedules allow it, and it’s always fun, even when they do nothing more than study together.

Things are going well for Castiel but there is one thing that’s bothering him more and more. Somewhere along the way he might actually have developed feelings for Dean. Which would be nice and all if it wasn’t for three very big problems.

1) Castiel doesn’t even know if Dean likes guys.

2) Even if he does that doesn’t mean he would be attracted to Castiel.

And 3) even in very unlikely event that Dean is into guys and attracted to Castiel there still the whole thing with him being asexual.

Dean talks about sex quite often and Castiel usually just nods in what he hopes looks like interest and agreement. It’s a thing he can’t offer Dean and so he decides it’s better to keep his feelings to himself, he would only disappoint Dean.

*

The 15th of November will forever be the best but also the worst day of Castiel’s life.

It’s nine o’clock in the evening and Dean and Castiel are sitting on the sofa with a bowl of popcorn between them and watching the first Sherlock Holmes movie. Sometime during the second half of the movie Dean clears his throat and Castiel expects him to rattle off some random facts about the movie and actors again. That’s not what happens though.

“Do you think Holmes and Watson would make a good couple?”

When Castiel turns his head, Dean is resolutely staring at the screen and Castiel needs a few moments to come up with something to say to this.

“Why are you asking me this, Dean? You know that Watson is engaged to Mary, right?”

Dean huffs and looks down at the floor, sad smile on his lips.

“Of course I know, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love Holmes too. Or do you have any problems with that?”

Dean looks up at him then with a serious and almost pained expression.

“No, of course I don’t have any problems with that. But I still don’t know why you asked.” Castiel looks back at the screen and decides to just answer.

“If you must know, then yes, I think they would be good together. It’s clear that they love each other, though neither seems to realize it.”

As he says it he can feel the sofa shift beside him and when he turns to the side Dean is right there.

“Well, maybe one of them just has to take the first step.”

Castiel doesn’t know who is leaning in, but their faces are even closer now and it feels like Castiel’s brain has stopped functioning temporarily.

“Dean-”

The rest of the sentence is cut off by Dean kissing him. Castiel freezes, and Dean pulls back, looking very sorry and kind of rejected, but Castiel won’t have any of it. He leans forward and tries to kiss back as good as he can. Damn his lack of experience.

Castiel’s brain at least seems to be working again and while trying to mimic Dean’s movements he has to ask himself since when Dean has wanted to do this. Has Dean been flirting with him? It’s possible, but things like that always go right over Castiel’s head, so he’s not surprised he didn’t notice.

Any more questions he might have asked himself about it are shoved aside when he feels a hand at the hem of his shirt and a tongue licking against his lips. It’s a sudden and painful reminder why he hasn’t done this before and Castiel jumps off the couch and takes a few steps away from it.

When he turns around Dean is looking at him, confused and hurt. It pains Castiel to see him like this but he can’t do this, not even with Dean, not now, not ever.

“I’m sorry. I really like you Dean and I want to be with you, but I can’t do…this.” He gestures with his hands, trying to get his point across. “I’m really sorry.”

Before Dean can say anything Castiel storms out of the room and into the hallway, not even caring that he forgot to put on shoes. There’s a small alcove further down the hall and he curls up there, hoping that Dean isn’t coming after him, and pretending not to feel the wetness on his cheeks.

He should be happy, he kissed Dean. But in the process he might have lost him too. Castiel promised himself something like this wouldn’t happen and now not only did it happen, it happened with Dean. It’s entirely possible that after this, Dean doesn’t want to be friends with him anymore. Maybe he’ll even move out.

The thought has Castiel panicking and he’s immensely grateful that he has his phone in his pocket because he needs to talk to someone and he needs to do it now. Anna answers after two rings and before she can say anything Castiel starts sobbing.

“Why am I not normal, Anna? Why do things have to be so fucking complicated for me?”

He can hear Anna swear before she calls Gabriel and puts the phone on speaker. “Shhhh, calm down, Castiel. What happened?”

He tells them. They know about Dean, had been overjoyed when Castiel finally found a friend, but he never mentioned that he had feelings for him. When he’s done there’s silence at the other end of the line. Gabriel and Anna are probably having one of their silent conversations. After several moments Anna clears her throat.

“Okay, first of all, you are normal. You hear that, Cas? You’re not some weird freak or whatever. And no one blames you for how you reacted. But I’ll tell you something now and I know you probably won’t like it.”

Castiel takes a deep breath, he knows what’s coming.

“Talk to him. You said you don’t want to talk with others about your sexuality and that’s fine, but Dean is going to ask questions and I don’t think it would be wise to lie to him or avoid him. From what you told us, he doesn’t seem like the type who would make fun of you.”

Castiel still feels a bit shaky but he nods before he remembers that he’s on the phone.

“Yeah. Thanks Anna, I’ll try to talk to him. Wish me luck.”

“Luck.”

He can almost hear Anna’s smile over the phone and just as he’s about to hang up Gabriel shouts over the line.

“You can totally tell him that I’ll come over and kick his ass if he treats you badly. He’s gonna w- OW!”

Oh yes, Anna can throw a mean punch. Castiel laughs.

“Thank you, Gabriel, I appreciate it. I should probably go back to the room, good night you two and thank you for listening to me.” His siblings assure him that they’ll always be there if he needs someone to talk to and then wish him a good night before Castiel ends the call, getting back to his feet.

The room is dark and only the light coming from underneath Dean’s door indicates that the place is not completely deserted. Castiel briefly considers knocking but figures it would be better to talk to Dean tomorrow when they both had the opportunity to rest and calm down a bit. He doesn’t sleep that night.

When he gets up the next morning he’s already thinking about what he’s going to say to Dean only to walk into the main room to find Dean’s bag and jacket already gone. Castiel goes to his classes and his friends must notice that something is wrong, but both seem to sense that Castiel doesn’t want to talk about it. Chuck is quiet and not even Ruby asks him about what happened, even though she usually never stops bombarding people with questions until they told her everything she wanted to know.

During his breaks Castiel checks all the places Dean could be. He doesn’t find him.

By the time he’s heading back to the room in the evening, Castiel has almost completely given up his plan to talk to Dean. That is, until he actually walks into the room to find Dean sitting on the couch, staring at him. He looks about as uncomfortable as Castiel feels. Dean speaks up just as Castiel is trying to figure out what to say to him.

“Are you asexual?”

At first Castiel isn’t sure he heard that right. When the words actually register he doesn’t know what to feel. Surprise? Shock? Relief? What he does know is that he’s gaping and that Dean almost looks a bit embarrassed.

“It’s just…y’know. As far as I know you’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve seen that you don’t like it when I talk about having sex, even if you do your best to look interested. And yesterday you ran away when I started doing more than just kissing. So yeah, my question still stands.”

Dean looks at him expectantly and Castiel drops his bag at the door before going to sit next to Dean on the couch. He takes a deep breath and steels himself for the conversation to come.

“How do you even know about that?”

At that Dean actually blushes. “Uhm, well, to be honest it was my little brother’s idea.” He rubs a hand over his face and sighs.

“I called him after what happened yesterday and told him about it. Sam suggested you might be asexual and although I’d never say it to his face, the kid is super smart, so I figured there was a good chance he might be right. He was also the one who explained to me that bisexuality is a thing. The first time I noticed that I apparently like guys too I thought I had suddenly turned gay.” Dean laughs but he still seems nervous and Castiel feels much the same.

“What do you want me to say Dean? Sam was right. And I already told you that I like you, but I don’t want to have sex. Ever. You on the other hand seem to enjoy sex very much and I won’t ask you to enter a relationship where you couldn’t get that.”

Dean huffs and turns away but there’s a smile at the corners of his lips. “You don’t have to ask for anything, Cas.”

“Dean-”

“No, listen to me.” He turns back to Castiel, staring right into his eyes. “I did my research, okay? I spent most of last night reading every single article about asexuality I could find. I know what I’m getting myself into. I like you Cas, and you’re more important to me than sex. Hell, I haven’t even had sex since I moved in with you! So if you’re willing to give this – to give us – a try, then I’m totally up for that.”

Castiel desperately wants to believe that this is possible, that they can make this work, but it seems almost too good to be true. “I have one condition. We need to have a talk. About boundaries and what exactly we want this relationship to be. If you still want to be with me after that we can try.” Dean just grins at him and nods.

They order pizza, because talking about your feelings is so much easier with a full stomach.

By the time the pizza is gone Castiel has already explained to Dean that he is completely fine with watching porn and masturbating, but that sex will be out of the question. No exceptions. Not ever. He can’t stress it enough. Dean, to his credit, takes him seriously and assures him that he knows about it and that it doesn’t stop him from wanting to be with Cas.

Once this is out of the way it’s Dean’s turn to ask questions.

“So…what are you comfortable with? Is cuddling okay? Kissing? Can we sleep in the same bed?”

“Yes those are okay. I actually quite enjoyed kissing you.”

Dean grins. “Well, that’s good to know. Uhm, what about being naked? Could I sleep like that or would that go too far?”

Castiel takes a moment to think about it before he answers. “I think I may need some time for that but it should be okay. As long as your hands don’t go to any inappropriate places. That also goes for kissing and cuddling by the way.”

“Yeah, Cas I got that. So, basically we could be boyfriends, just without the whole sex thing, right?”

Castiel nods. “Yes, so if you decide you can’t do that, then you can back out now. I won’t blame you for it, it wouldn-”

Suddenly there’s a pair of lips pressed to his own and he smiles into the kiss. Maybe this can actually work.

*

He tells his siblings the next day and he can’t figure out whether the high pitched screams are coming from Anna or Gabriel or both.

The night before was wonderful. After spending almost an hour lazily kissing on the couch they went to bed…together. They chose Castiel’s room because Dean had argued that Castiel might feel more comfortable there and when they lay down on the bed Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel, pulling him against his chest and effectively making him the little spoon. Castiel didn’t mind, he actually felt safe being held like that by Dean, and he supposed it was a good sign.

He meets Dean for lunch. They both brought their respective friends because they decided to kill two birds with one stone and announce the change in their relationship while they were all sitting together. It had taken a little (okay, a lot) encouragement from Dean to do it, because it meant they would have to mention Castiel’s asexuality one way or another, but in the end Castiel is glad they talked about it, because now he doesn’t need to hide anymore.

It helps that everyone accepts and supports them.

Chuck says they can do whatever they want, it’s not his business anyway. Ruby explains she is in no position to judge anyone for anything considering some of the kinky shit she gets up to in the bedroom.

Dean’s friends Benny and Charlie are a bit taken aback at first because Dean without sex is kind of an unimaginable scenario for them. They’re both okay with it though, Benny assures Dean that he will always have his support, no matter what, and Charlie mentions a site called ‘tumblr’ and how she’s known about the existence of asexuality for quite some time thanks to it.

No one really makes a big deal out of the whole thing. They don’t treat Castiel or Dean any differently than usual and for the first time in a long time Castiel can truly be himself.

~~****~~

Castiel turns over and comes face to face with his still sleeping husband. It’s on mornings like this when he asks himself how he got so lucky. Dean might not be perfect but he’s the perfect partner for him and that’s enough.

They can spend hours cuddling and kissing, and in all the years they’ve been together Dean has never even mentioned sex, much less asked Castiel for it. Dean assured him that his sort-of-celibacy is totally worth it if he gets to wake up to Cas every morning. There are still people who don’t believe them when the topic comes up and they mention that they never had sex, but neither of them cares about it. Castiel has learned long ago that as long as he has Dean, it doesn’t matter what others say about him.

Dean is awake by now and watching him with so much love and adoration in his eyes that Castiel almost can’t take it, though he knows he probably looks the same. They kiss then, and if Castiel can still sometimes feel himself tearing up when he realizes that this is real, that he gets to have this…well, no one needs to know.


End file.
